Pause for Thought

The first time I had breast cancer was when I was 37 years old.  It caught everyone, including my doctor, off-guard; I was young and a non-smoker, with no history of breast cancer in the family whatsoever.  Three surgeries and a series of radiation treatments later, I was put on Tamoxifen, a drug that prevents estrogen from binding to its receptors in the breast.  Since some breast cancers need estrogen in order to grow, the Tamoxifen essentially cut off its food supply.

Of course, when we mess with the body's normal functions, that usually means side-effects.  In my case, my oncologist, gynecologist and radiation oncologist all expressed relief that I had already had all the children I intended to; early menopause, they all said.  That's what the Tamoxifen will do to you.  I took the drug for 5 years and my body obediently began fulfilling my doctors' prediction: I developed insomnia, night sweats, and hot flashes, my sex drive took a nose dive, my skin, which was already hyper-sensitive from the radiation, developed rashes at the drop of a hat.  I actually saw a dermatologist for the first time in my life; she treated me for eczema as well as warts that developed in embarrassing places in the treatment area. 

But the periods kept on coming, right on schedule, just slightly lighter and shorter in duration.  Just to keep things interesting, I developed new PMS symptoms--cramping and bloating unlike anything I had before or since; my feet would blow up like balloons no matter what I ate or drank.  I had more than one bad moment when my rings would not come off and my bangle bracelet got stuck halfway on and halfway off my hand.  I told my oncologist about my symptoms.  Dr. C., nodded and said, "I bet you've been getting leg cramps, too, right around now."  He was right, but until he'd mentioned it, I hadn't made that connection.  Looks like my side effects were proceeding on schedule.  Dr. C. is a very nice man.  I would have hated to disappoint him.

I told my gynecologist, Dr. Y. about my symptoms--especially the one about the sex drive--she hemmed and hawed a bit and said that Tamoxifen would do that to you.  The treatment for lowered sex drive, unfortunately, is hormone therapy and in my case, that would have been counter-indicated.  Well, what about after the Tamoxifen, I asked, would things go back to normal then?  More hemming and hawing and then she said, "Well, but you'd be 5 years older then, wouldn't you?"  

So the 5 years went by and I stopped taking Tamoxifen.  Two years after that I received my second cancer diagnosis and despite a mastectomy and reconstruction (still working on that as we speak), I am still managing to flummox my doctors because at every check-up, every doctor expresses surprise that I have all the symptoms of menopause except for the big one:  the PAUSE. 

I was thinking about that recently and thought, it's symbolic, really--I have been supremely fortunate.  Both times, the cancer was caught early and though there were times treatment was uncomfortable or inconvenient, tiring or frustrating, ultimately, I knew these were temporary interludes in my life and soon, I would be getting out of "Pause" mode and returning to my everyday life.  Other people aren't so fortunate.

So when I feel like complaining these days, whether it is about work, my family, my ongoing treatment, I pause to remind myself about the people who have reason to complain, but don't.  It's amazing how much better the reminder makes me feel.