What's wrong with this picture?

Though it may sound that way to some, this is not a pity party post (how's that for alliteration!).  Rather, it is a slightly mournful commentary on a phenomena that I don't feel is unique to me; that is the constant choosing between the needs of job, family, and self.  For me, at least, when it comes to a battle between these three superpowers, self always loses.  Some of the demands on me naturally come with the territory; I am a parent, so I am obligated to fulfill the needs of my children.  My children may be older and more self-sufficient than they've ever been but their needs didn't necessarily lessen as the children aged.  They just got...different.  I have a job which gives me even more obligations to fulfill.  But what about the time that is not taken up by my family and career?  How do I get to spend that?

Today I went back to work after having surgery that required a 6-week recuperation period.  One of these days I'll get around to blogging about that interlude in my life but at the moment, what is foremost on my mind is the ironic realization that it took surgery and a forced break from my normal life to allow me to reconnect with some of the enjoyable aspects of my life; aspects that often get shunted to the background simply because other things are of a higher priority.

During my recuperation I read several books that were sitting around collecting dust for years, I watched several DVDs that I'd been meaning to get to for months, I got totally hooked on the TV series Criminal Minds, I did tons of cross-stitch, updated my student organization's website, read through a number of cookbooks and recipes, tried out many of the said recipes, remodeled Minka's enclosure, established a weekly grocery shopping schedule (a huge feat!), and started this blog.  I picked up C from school on Thursday (his short school day) and had a weekly lunch and good conversation with him.  It makes sense that I was able to do all of these things.  I wasn't working.  I had all this unoccupied time!  But even more than that, I had an excuse.   

My surgery gave me a built-in, universally acceptable reason for not fulfilling any of my normal responsibilities; though I still corrected senior project papers and did lesson plans, I did not have to go into the classroom and execute them, I didn't have to correct homework, do grades or attendance, I did not have to attend conferences, I did not have to attend committee meetings, oversee club events, pick up and drop off the kids, cook, grocery shop, or clean the house!  For a few days after coming home from the hospital, I didn't even have to take care of my pets!  Everyone knew why I wasn't doing what I normally did so I did not have to feel guilty!

I am far from being a self-sacrificing martyr but it is still a shock to realize that somewhere along the road, I have allowed myself to so consistently allow responsibility and obligation to take over my free time that I felt I needed to justify to MYSELF that an activity I was engaging in, strictly for enjoyment sake, was not a selfish, waste of time. How incredibly sad.  Even worse, I know I can't promise myself that, despite my new-found awareness, it won't happen again.

The most repeated question my students asked today was this:  "Did you miss us while you were gone?"  Of course I did.  But I suspect I will miss my excuse to play even more.