When Kirby was around, I came to the conclusion that all dogs come equipped with a built-in reference manual that tells them how to respond to affection, stuffed toys, the prospect of a walk, an unhappy human, the mailman, etc.. You know, the kind of behaviors guaranteed to elicit a happy human response, which in turn, would generate a warm cycle of appropriate action and positive reactions.
Well, judging by Farley's antics, either his manual is defective or large sections were left out of the final editing. I give you, Dog Behavior 101, The Farley Edition:
"Chapter 1: Operation Affection": Lean hard against your targeted human while gazing adoringly and blankly up into her face. If her arm does not go around you on its own, you must encourage it by jamming your head into her armpit. Be prepared; she will resist, so persistence is key! Continue wiggling your head forward till the skin on your face is pulled back toward your neck and your eyes begin to bulge from the sockets. This will freak the human out because popped eyeballs are a real danger in shallow-socketed dogs. Use the fear to your advantage. Bug your eyes out till she decides you are a danger to yourself. Her arm will relax and automatically circle your body. Mission accomplished.
"Chapter 2: The Walk, Part I": Walks are fun but it is important to get revved up before you even step outside. When you see the human heading for the door, run in wide circles around her; if there is another dog, crash into him a few times to see if he will join in the dance. If the human starts to sound exasperated, drop immediately into a sit--this action always convinces her that you are trying to do the right thing. Now for the tricky part: the leash. Since you are not allowed to leave the house without it, it behooves you to get it in place as quickly as possible. When the human begins lowering the loop, attempt to leap into it. If your legs get tangled and pulled into awkward positions, keep trying. Flailing wildly while panting loudly works wonders. When the human leans over to adjust it around your neck, leap up onto your hind legs and hit her in the face with your nose and slobbery tongue. Hear that noise she just made? She appreciates the kiss!
"Chapter 3: The Walk, Part II": She will make you wait before you exit the house and she does not want your help in opening the door; it is strongly suggested that you keep your right paw to yourself. Now you are out the gate and on the sidewalk! Here's where the real fun begins. Walking your human helps her to keep in shape. Varying your speed and direction without warning are good ways to keep her on her toes and will ensure that her mind stays agile; it helps to charge at leaves that blow by and lizards and roaches that scamper past as well. One day she'll thank you.
"Chapter 4: Demonstrate Your Loyalty": Dogs are supposed to be loyal. The best way to show your human your loyalty is to follow her incessantly. If she goes to the bathroom, follow along and lay as close to the door as you possibly can. If it fits, stick a paw underneath so she knows you are still there. When she is carrying a large load of laundry down to the washer, accompany her down the stairs. It is essential that you stay close to her feet and just when she thinks you are staying to the right, cross over to the left. It's never a good idea to be too predictable.
"Chapter 5: Sharing is Caring": Nothing says, "I love you," like sharing what you have with the one you love most. Shedding fur on black suits is always appreciated. Wiping your dirty mouth against the couch cover is, too. Grass, dead leaves, burrs and twigs can easily be collected with wide sweeps of a fringed tail--be sure to hit your human with said tail a few times to get her attention. You don't want her to overlook the opportunity to treasure hunt. Not after all that effort you put into gathering debris in the first place!
"Chapter 6: Leave 'em Laughing": Roll around on the couch with your legs in the air; it helps to have a long tongue that you can allow to loll to one side while in an upside down position. Sit on the lawn and smell the dandelions. Back yourself up against the nearest available leg and gyrate up and down. And remember, always leave them feeling better no matter what state of mind they start out with.
